A smile and some black birds

So I have been doing some "spiritual soul searching" now for several months. It started back on one of my rotations when a preceptor asked me the famous question in life, "What is your purpose?" Initially, I was a little taken a back. That wasn't a question I was expecting from a preceptor. Usually the question are more about what field I want to work in etc. But not from this guy! He was constantly humming this little light of mine and always smiling. So, before I could stumble through we had to go into the operating room, so he told me to sit on my answer. Whew, close call! I had sometime to think. Of course, the fact that I had to think really bothered me and made me really nervous. Anyways, I came up with a "decent" church answer and was hoping not to talk about it anymore...But he wasn't finish. We continued to talk about priorities, marriage, and other spiritual issues. It ended up being a little reminder of who I am and who God is. I had some priorities a little off balance, but that was God's way of kick starting me into gear. I had been praying since June 30th the first day of rotations that God would use rotations as a way for me to show God's love, feel God's love, and be a light. Instead he gave me more...And so the story continues. So for the remanding 2 weeks I was in probably I would say the most constant communication with God that I had truly been in for years. I noticed little things and changed the way I interacted with people I was working and my patients. Danny and I began praying more and our marriage got better even though I thought we were at a great point. So the rotation ended and it seemed as though my "spiritual high" ended with it. Yes, I had changed the way I viewed things and the way I dealt with people, but I wasn't in it full force. Several rotations went by and turned out great. During this time Danny and I started with a life group, made lots of new friends, and continued to grow closer together. God also placed a strong desire for children on our hearts. Now, it has always been a very prominent thought on my mind but it was becoming very very real. And on Thanksgiving morning we got the positive test (and I had to go run 5 miles with my dad even though I wasn't feeling to hot). Life felt perfect...Yes we were nervous, excited, scared because of the timing but WE WERE PUMPED! God had answered a pray earlier than expected and again the spiritual level turned up. I began to notice little things God was doing in my life. And noticed even more ways to shine. So meanwhile in Bible class we had been discussing suffering. It was a great class...but is a hard topic to talk about. I had "suffered" through times in my life but talking about it made me a little nervous. So meanwhile I am trying to hold back the biggest secret of my life, without being the nervous person that I can be especially when it is medically related. Danny and I continued to be excited and God was present, but again I seemed to fade in and out. Then it happened, we lost the baby. We were devastated. I went through mixed emotions. First, shock, then anger, then sadness, and so forth and so on. I was mad at God. How could this happen?!? SO I blogged earlier about some realizations I can to so I will give the short story. God drew me so close during this time. He helped me get through the emotional holidays, revealed to me a tiny piece of what He went through when He made the ultimate sacrifice. HE NEVER LET ME GO...even when I was angry He was there holding me and telling me everything was going to be okay. I didn't believe or want to even think about it being okay but then God just held on tighter. So only by God's comfort, love, and hope I made it through. After the miscarriage I thought it would be extremely difficult to be around children. And if you know me at all you know that that would be BIG. I truly enjoy working with children. They bless my life in so many ways. I was afraid of losing something that I was so passionate about. I was afraid of more anger and jealousy. But instead, a child's smile is what got me through. I am surrounded by children at church. And even though they don't realize how they blessed my life during that time they did. Each child's smile, laugh, giggle, or "playful" punch gave me hope for the future and constantly reminded me that God is not giving up on me. He is still holding me and WILL ALWAYS be holding me. It also reminded me of child like faith and that I AM GOD's child. My smile, laugh, and life are what God wants from me. That is a way I can show him my love. He smiles because I smile and cries with me when I cry. WOW! Even typing this I am in utter amazement of how God used a preceptor and miscarriage to truly grab a hold of me. I am not saying that I have figured it out or that I am by any means perfect (because that would be a total lie), but I know my God loves me. He has strange ways of getting a hold of me, but He got me. I am still not perfect. I still have moment that I seem to fade in and out, but I have a hope in my heart that cannot be replaced. Yes, I still worry but I can honestly say it has gotten better little by little.
So what prompted me to write all of this tonight...
Last night I was lying in bed feeling lonely (I am on an out of town rotation). I am staying with great friends but my heart just felt empty. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes praying. I wanted to feel God. I felt far away and wanted Him back. I wanted that feeling I had once I realized that God was holding me after the miscarriage. I was empty. I prayed that God would just fill me again with his love and hope for the future. I wanted him to use me at work, I wanted to be a light for Him because I felt like I was in the dark. And how did he respond...He allowed me to make one patient smile and feel very taken care of today (even though I feel like I did nothing). And also provided a little reminder of His love. I was standing outside after work and about 1,000 black birds flew over my head. I felt a large breeze and without a doubt knew God was there. He answered my pray exactly. He gave me a little reminder of his love for me. I immediately thought about scripture from Matthew when it talks about not worrying about tomorrow and how much more God love me than the birds. My heart was filled. God loves me and is there even though I felt faded away, lost, and empty He was there and holding me tight.
I have been looking for these big miraculous signs, huge ways for me to show my light, Him to sweep me off my feet, or something unimaginable to get my attention. But nope....He simply used a patient's smile and some black birds to remind me of his love! Thank you God, I love you!

Heidi